Una abuelita de 96 años entra temblando a un sex-shop y pregunta: ¿Aquí-aquí ve-venden los los con-sola-doress Ultra-aa 2002 de 7 v-velo-cidades su-super po-potencia y cam-cambio con te-tecnolog-iiaaa ja-ja-japonesa de última ge-ge-nera- a-ción a pilas y gra-gra-duales?

El vendedor contesta: ¡Sí!!!

La abuelita responde: ¿Me pue-eeeede de-decir có-có-mo se apa-apagaaaa?

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing was done there were three finalists,two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
"The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
"Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brown and said "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Este es uno de mis poemas favoritos escrito por Pablo Neruda

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche esta estrellada, y tiritan, azules, los astos, a lo lejos".
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche. Yo la quise, y a veces ella tambien me quiso.
En las noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos. La bese tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.
Ella me quiso, a veces yo tambien la queria. Como no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche. Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmensa sin ella. Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocio.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos. Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirado la busca. Mi corazon la busca, y ella no esta conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos arboles. Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuanto la quise. Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oido.
De otro. Sera de otro. Como antes de mis besos. Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, per tal vez la quiero. Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como esta la tuve entre mis brazos, mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Aunque esta sea el ultimo dolor que ella me causa, y estos sean los ultimos versos que yo le escribo.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples"
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Para todos los amantes del futbol hoy es una fecha muy importante,,se juegan las eliminatorias en varias partes del continente,,y como buen amante del deporte rey, no podia faltar mi apoyo a mi adorada seleccion.
esperemos entonces que cada una de las selecciones brinden lo mejor de si, para que la gente tenga un buen espectaculo y pueda disfrutar del mas grande deporte de todos los tiempos,
"ARRIBA PERU" CARAJO!!!..

Tres amigos estaban reunidos tomándose una
cerveza y entre otras cosas
hablaban sobre las mejores posiciones durante el acto sexual.

Uno de ellos dijo: Para mi, la mejor es el número 69!!!!!.
Otro Dijo: Para mí, la mejor es el pollo asado.

El último dijo: No hay nada mejor que la del
RODEO SALVAJE!!!!!
Los otros dos amigos lo miraron asombrados y
le preguntaron de que se trataba..
El tipo explicó: Bueno, dígale a su mujer que se coloque en cuatro...
Comience por detrás, al estilo perrito..
Una vez que las cosas se pongan bien
calientes, apoye su pecho sobre la
espalda de ella, abrácela fuertemente... y dígale con
delicadeza bien despacito al oído
"ESTA POSICIÓN DEJA LOCA A MI SECRETARIA!!!"
Y después, trate de mantenerse encima por
más de 8 segundos!!!!!!!!